I remember I had my first crush when I was around 9, maybe 10. I had a crush on my mom's friend's son, up until high school because I would see him occasionally. So, it was a total of about 7-8 years give or take, and I don't have the slightest notion of why I did in the first place. But anyways, it was just one-sided crush, and it meant nothing really. I don't think I fell "in love". So maybe it wasn't a first love.
Then, the second guy I liked was in college, in Sophomore year. I met him when I was a freshman, and actually met him even before I went to college. There's a whole story about how in the summer before college, I went to Shabuzen with my family and my uncle's family, there was a power outage, and he happened to be a waiter there. Anyways, we also had the same linguistics class in the fall, and we had to write papers due every Friday, so I would just pull all-nighters and stay my friends' room in the same building. After that, he graduated a semester earlier, but I would still chat with him online. Over the year, maybe it became a habit, because after a while I grew used to chatting with him every day. I had a feeling that he liked me, because a guy wouldn't stay up late waiting for a girl to finish her hw for nothing right? Whatever the reason is, I confessed that I liked him, but it turned out that he only liked me as a friend. My first confession, but I did not feel a let down when I had the rejection. I didn't want to be in a relationship. I only wanted to know how he felt, because I hate the ambiguity. In fact, I was relieved that I had an answer rather than doing all the guessing games. So, that was Sophomore.
Today, or rather yesterday, a guy confessed to me, for the first time in 22 years. I knew it was coming, because he had given me a surprise delivery with small pastries and desserts, and made me a cake that took him 3 hours, and gave me a pandora's bracelet, and drove through a blizzard to meet up with me. Yeah, it's pretty obvious even for me, known as the clueless one. But, I don't like him the same way, and I know I never will. I thought I was direct when I said I only see him as a friend. He thought there was still hope because he mentioned that it would be good if we get to know more about each other. Later on, he mentioned that he usually gets rejected. So, I mentioned that I'm not interested in a relationship because I have a lot of responsibilities. I don't know if he understood, but according to how he reacted, I don't think he did.
I told my friend about this. And she told me about her first love. It made me realize things, or at least reminded me of things. She was in a relationship with her boyfriend in 8th grade, but she moved to the U.S., and kept the relationship a long-distance relationship. She visited once, but that was four years ago. She wanted to break up because she doesn't see how it was going any where for them, but he didn't. According to my friend, he died from liver-failure, at least that's what it sounded like. He drank too much, partially due to her leaving him. She thinks she's partly the reason why he passed away. I never knew she would be a person who actually experienced this. But who knows anyone's stories anyways. No one knew mine. That was our difference. She has to live with the fact that he might have died because of her, and it will probably be a burden for her shoulders for the rest of her life. I doubt there is anyone who can help with that, but herself, and I don't believe she will ever let it go. All I can do is just stand by to support her in spirit, hoping that the boulder won't become too big and crush her. I've only known one side of her up until now, and I see that there is much more than the eyes see. That's something we tend to forget, especially because we don't have the chance to have a deep conversation nowadays.
At the end of the day, my sticky situation is nothing, compared to hers. I need to remind myself not to let things get over my head, because others have fair worse.
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