Fa-tigue

Fatigue is a weird word. When spelling it in English, it seems more French than anything, but it actually has French and Latin origin. Sometimes I wonder if there is any language in the world that doesn't have a word equivalent to fatigue. If there is, the people from that country must be strong and never feel the need to rest.

These days, I grew tired of my heavy schedule and workload. Sometimes I thought about quitting things so I don't have to do as much, but I know that in the end I would finish whatever I needed to do. Giving up is never an option for myself, but I still feel tempted. It's like swimming against tides and battling your own fatigue. It's even more tiring when I'm fighting a lone battle, especially in a club where I'm the president, and some of my friends are on the E-board.

This leads me to another topic: loneliness. People seem to think that loneliness is not having friends or family by your side. Others think loneliness is having very few friends and no boyfriends. I think that's pretty...well, shallow. First of all, wanting a boyfriend just because you think you don't have friends is just sad. But yeah, that's another topic to talk about another time. I think true loneliness is having friends and family by your side, yet none of them understand what you want, and how you feel. Just a random thought again. Maybe that's why people contemplated doing harmful things to themselves. It's a good thing I haven't experienced "true loneliness" yet. I think having no mental support is part of that loneliness, which literally sucks the life out of you. That's when you start to wonder what your goal was in the first place, and why you were putting yourself through things that no one seemed to appreciate.

Fortunately for me, my situation is the complete opposite. I have many friends and family members who support me and believe in me, which gives me strength, but also wears me out at the same time. I often think that people think too highly of me, and I fear even more to let them down. In the little free time that I have, I start a list of "what-if"s in my mind: What if I can't finish college on time with two majors and a minor. What if I can't graduate with good gpa. What if I can't find a job even if I worked so hard in college. What if I can't be successful. What if what if what if. This is probably normal for a college student, but college life seems to get more tiring with each passing day. I suppose that's when Darwin's theory of Survival of the Fittest kicks in; well, in a different manner.